What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem