Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me