Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
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Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.