football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
my fav colour is also hitler
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually