I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I would move hell over six inches for you
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.