My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”