Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I hate when that happens.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My work here is don’t.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Who.
Did.
This?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere