Well. That’s not a good sign.
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware