I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Why font matters.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Based Erika
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]