[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Breaking news:
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Looking at you, Jesus.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.