Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.