i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep