Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Have kids, they said
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
This fish is cracking me up