Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that