7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.