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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.