My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
barbara was highly relatable
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball