5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare