“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
This meal prepping shit easy
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Accurate
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me redecorating every room in my mind
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?