*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.