judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*