While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.