Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.