It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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A classic…
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??