[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
You Might Also Like
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
😂😂
The Backseat Boys
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.