Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
We like the way Dwight thinks
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.