If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I put the h in mysterious.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.