Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
You Might Also Like
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Bruh PLEASE
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
not for long
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*