Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom