My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up