There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon