I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?