I hate everything
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Owl Sanctuary
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.