Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I think about this a lot