Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?