Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER