Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.