Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.