Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.