For cardio I live beyond my means.
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!