Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
welcome back
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.