Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I would move hell over six inches for you
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Running from your problems is cardio .
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.