I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.