ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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This January has 47 Mondays
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Kermit goes Blue.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What’s so funny?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.