Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
You Might Also Like
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Not my job 😂
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
checking out some reviews of my local library
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.