“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
You Might Also Like
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?