I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My Plans 2020
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.