I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
All. The. Damn. Time.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.