Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.