I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?